Be The Person You’d Fall In Love With

I spent most of my 30s in a relationship with someone who was wildly unreliable.

No, I’m not talking about my husband. He’s absolutely wonderful.

I’m talking about someone who would make promises every Sunday night like “this is the week I’m going to eat better, sleep more, stop smoking, stop drinking, exercise, meditate, journal, be a better human....”

And usually by Wednesday she’d broken half of them.

By Friday she’d totally given up.

By Sunday she was back making the same promises with the same conviction, pretending last week didn’t happen.

Obviously, that person was me.

And the worst part wasn’t the failing, it was what came after.

The way I spoke to myself would have 100% ended ANY friendship.

What is wrong with you? You KNOW what to do. Why can’t you just DO it? You’re 35, for fuck’s sake.

Does this sound familiar?

We’ve been taught that this is how change works, right?

Be hard on yourself. Hold yourself accountable. Discipline yourself into the person you’re supposed to be.

And if that doesn’t work, try harder. Want it more. Wake up earlier. Hustle harder.

Cool, and how’s that going for you?

Because when you bully yourself into better habits, your brain registers the self-criticism as a threat. Cortisol floods your system. Your prefrontal cortex (the part that makes good decisions) goes offline.

And you reach for the exact thing you were trying to quit, because your nervous system is in survival mode and needs comfort.

For me it was wine and cigarettes.

And this is why you eat the whole packet of biscuits after telling yourself you’d only have one.

Because guilt literally hijacks the part of your brain that regulates decisions.

There’s a lot of research that shows, for example, that dieters who beat themselves up after a “slip” don’t recover. They eat more.

And the ones who shrugged it off and gave themselves a break and a dose of self-compassion got back “on track” almost immediately.

Same behaviour, same slip, but completely different outcome.

Based entirely on how they spoke to themselves after the so-called fuck-up.

Every time you’re unkind to yourself for skipping a workout, or procrastinating, or having too much fast food, you’re not motivating yourself. Actually, you’re making it harder to try again tomorrow.

All that self-punishment isn’t keeping you in line, it’s the thing keeping you stuck.

(Side note: this is also why the “I’ll start fresh on Monday!” cycle exists. You’re not resetting. You’re just recovering from the shame of last week long enough to try again. Ask me how I know…)

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This week's podcast episode: 🎧 Stop Waiting for Clarity. Start Moving. We’ve been sold a story: the visionary founder who “always knew,” the coach who found her calling after one retreat, the career changer with a single crystallising moment. Great stories. Mostly bullshit. In this episode, I’m sharing why waiting for clarity keeps you stuck, what my gloriously patchy CV taught me about career pivots, and the one question that actually moves you forward when you have no idea what you’re changing to. Listen Now (10 mins)

Hey! I'm Noemie Wellbeing by Design for burned-out overachievers allergic to self-help BS. Evidence-based habits, mindset shifts and real talk from a Former Queen of Bad Habits. No toxic trends or wellness hustle, just science, soul, and a little bit of chaos ⚡️ Did someone forward you this email? ​ ​Subscribe here​